NUMB

Have you ever felt totally and completely numb? Numb beyond recognition? So numb that even you can't believe that it is actually you? I have been feeling so these days. Something seems wrong, terribly wrong and it's as if my heart knows that it's coming and preparing me for it before it strikes. I walk through the streets feeling nothing at all, wondering why I'm not happy. I see my friends and don't really feel anything at all. They are so happy to see me and I try, so hard, to feel something but nothing comes. I talk to my partner but I don't feel the same wealth of emotion as I used to. Something is changing and it's happening fast. And somehow, I don't have any idea how to stop it.

Things have stopped affecting me too much. It's as if a switch has been turned off and nothing can turn it off. Perhaps I am thinking too much and perhaps I am not. I wonder what it is that my heart is shielding me from. I hope I am wrong. I really do. Because if I'm not then something bad is about to happen. Something that will change me and my life. For better or for worse, I just don't know.

My heart is silently crying but crying for what, I don't know. Does any of you feel this way ever? Is it just a phase or is something really about to change? I wonder....

TO DEAR EPASEN....

My dear friends and fellow bloggers..

Today I want to dedicate this post to a fellow blogger. Her name is Epasen and she lives in Finland. Her blog is named Living with Sclero.

I would like to begin by saying that there are very few people in this world who have the capacity to touch you deep down and actually stay there. In my case, Epasen is one of them. I never thought that blogging could bring me close to such wonderful people. I first read her blog after she left a comment for my piece on dance. She said we were very similar as individuals but I think that she is a much stronger human being than I can ever be. I didn't know the meaning of sclero till the time I read her blog and googled scleroderma. I was moved beyond words after reading her first post itself. I just knew I had to follow her blog.

About scleroderma-
Scleroderma is a chronic autoimmune disease characterised by hardening in the skin and other organs. There are 2 types- local and systemic. The local type known as MORPHEA although disabling tends not to be fatal while the systemic type can be fatal. This form affects the internal organs along with the skin.

This young lady has accepted sclero as a part of her life and the way she is living with it is commendable. To believe in the best and be positive at all times is the mark of an extremely strong individual. She goes on inspite of everything and unlike the most of us, she brings out the best in her life and doesn't look at sclero from a negative point of view. I am truly inspired by her and always will be. Our problems seem so trivial when I read her posts and I feel as though I have no right to sit and crib ever. She makes me feel like getting up and doing the best in life. Not just sit and crib over what I don't have.

People, I would recommend all of you to read her blog. She has touched me and moved me and I want all of you to see what a strong woman she is.

Three cheers for you Epasen my dear!

Lots of love
Deboshree

FINALLY..THE FINALE!

Hey there my dear friends! How have you guys been doing?

Yesterday was my last day at work and we had the finale. There was tension everywhere and the air was tense behind the scenes but that is always the case during any show. It was a success and the tiny tots made me proud. Even the naughtiest ones performed well! Ofcourse we had to dance in front of them and we didn't goof up either! The one thing I was most nervous about was the Yoga and Aerobics. I was the only one to lead them there. No mike, no help, only me on stage with my voice to guide them. I tell you, there was a moment when I could feel all eyes on me and you know what, I loved it! Suddenly there on stage, I knew that I was a performer, be it anywhere and I would perform no matter how much pressure was exerted on me. The feeling was damn good.
My dance show is on 28th this month. Wish me luck guys. I want to blow away everyone this time and give a great performance!

EYE OF THE HURRICANE

My dear friends...Good to come back after a short spell.

I have read this book my partner send me and I wanted to share the experience with all of you.
Frankly my dear friends, I'm a hopeless romantic. I love reading romance novels more than anything and romance and love are an integral part of me.
So I start reading the novel and as usual, I'm transported to another world...a world of beauty and love..of kisses and passion..of dreams and desires and you know what..I think I simply love it.
The main characters are Miranda and Jake and what a handful they are! There was this particular scene which has touched me very deeply. Magical is the word for it. Magical is the feeling to describe it. Love..expressed so beautifully was really rare. Sometimes things happen in life. We meet someone and there is an undeniably strong connection from the very beginning. I wonder what sorts of beings we are as we can feel so much beyond any explanation. In that scene, not a word was spoken..only music filled the air and there was no need for any intrusion. The depth of emotion touched me very deeply. A simple kiss by Jake on Miranda's temple and forehead moved me more than any passionate love scene could. It was lovely. The way the author described the connection between two people who hadn't known each other for long, was amazing.
Just holding a loved one close and feeling his/her warmth can give us profound happiness and fulfillment. I thank God for creating love and I thank us for giving such wonderful meaning to it. Just imagine when someone finds the person they have been looking for..how would it feel? How life would transform..slowly and gradually that person would fill your entire being and before you know it, your life has become an intricate part of his and vice versa.
Tell me, is it unreasonable and fanciful to imagine that you will get the man/woman you always wanted? Is it childish to expect that you will? Do people really get the perfect partner or is it just a notion which withers away with time?

CRASH WITH A THUD..

My computer crashed a few days ago and everything has changed. I didn't know how much of my happiness is related to this machine. All my favourite songs and anime have flown out of window. On top of that after formatting the computer, most of the sites have been blocked by norton!
Is norton even good? I think it is more of a headache really.
Can any of you suggest any better anti virus?
Sigh...everything has come to a standstill without my computer.
Will catch up with all the blogs..hehe..feel so left out in a span of a few days.

Love

THE CRYING BOY

In comes a little boy with tears in his eyes and crying out for his mom at every moment possible. It's a summer camp with loads of children present and the teacher takes an immediate liking to the crying bundle. She holds him in her arms and slowly, after whispering soothing words in his ears, the poor child's sobs begin to subside. Now here comes the funny part. The sobs subside to such an extent and he begins to enjoy himself so much that he begins to disrupt the enjoyment of the other children. He smiles and laughs at all the wrong things and thinks that by saying sorry everything will be fine. Well, his mother has played a wonderfully important role in that sphere. He turns out to be an attention seeker and it becomes obvious to the teachers that he doesn't have a stable atmosphere at home.
But the teachers love him a lot eventhough he can be a total headache at times. His stubbornness is amazing and annoying! The child has not been taught how to sit quiet and that comes from the fact that the parents have given in to everything that he wanted. Giving too much at too young an age goes a long way in harming the children. He is so used to constant entertainment that it becomes rather trying at times to make him sit quietly.
Then the other day, something happened and the teachers understood perfectly why the child was the way he was. His mother came in and wanted to see his drawing sheet. Unlike other children, his drawing sheet was nothing but a riot of many colours running astray. It was not a pretty sight to see and the mother was very disappointed when she saw that. Then she asked the teachers about him and they told her honestly how he behaved in class. Then something happened which was rather sad. The mother made the child stand up on a chair and told him to say sorry to everyone and said that he needs to be insulted to improve and the teachers thought to themselves....how wrong can a person think? The child felt very bad and it showed. It's amazing how the feelings of self respect and pride are present in us from this tender age itself. He downright refused to say sorry and ended up crying. Later on it came to be known that he did indeed have an unstable atmosphere at home. He was caught between constant fights and what was the child to do? He will be nothing but a reflection of what he sees around himself and hence came the violent side.
But the teachers were not ready to give up on him. There was an extremely sweet and caring side to the child and they would do all they could to help him. What the child needed was a lot of love and care. That is why he had become an attention seeker. He needed love and was using any means possible to get the attention. Poor child.

Then the teachers, me and my friend, decided not to get angry with him anymore. Today we decided to love him more than usual and see his reaction. Whether he would listen to us or not was a challenge. It was difficult, very difficult. The child himself had no idea how many barriers he has put around himself. But today was a test of our patience too and we did win.
When he was disrupting the work of the other children, I called him close to me and after telling him 4-5 times that he is a good boy and he won't do anything bad, he finally nodded and said ok. He is such a sweetheart! After that he did everything we said. It isn't a great achievement but for me it was. It was lovely to see him happy and quiet without harming other children. What a heart warming sight!
Today was a lovely day because of this incident and I wanted to share it with you all.

THE JOY OF BEING THERE...

After a long time, today I was able to devote some much needed time to the NGO I had joined.

I woke up all groggy wondering why the hell was the alarm ringing on a sunday morning and then I remembered..the children!
I shrugged off my laziness(with great effort) and got up, got ready and left.
The first thing which warmed my heart was the sight of the children shouting with happiness the moment they saw me and my friend approaching. I had not been there for weeks and they missed me. It was lovely to know that these children remembered me and actually missed me. I silently cursed myself for allowing laziness to creep over me the last time.I cursed dance for making my body too weak to move, but at the end of it, it was my fault.
So, today I came to know that a new system had been introduced. Actually, a much needed one. The children were to be divided on the basis of their age groups and each volunteer was to have 2-3 students and maintain a record of their progress each week. Wonderful. That is exactly what we needed for real progress. 2 hours flew by and I didn't even think of the time till prachi told me to wrap up. I love those children. They are beautiful and when I see the thirst for knowledge in them, I feel like giving them all I have and that I will. I have to go down to the very basics.It was quite obvious that their very foundations are quite weak, but that can be changed with hard work and dedication from both sides and I know we have that.
When it was time to leave, it was nice to know that next week those 4 kids would be waiting for me and I will be helping them. It doesn't matter if there is very little difference..what matters is that there is even SOME difference, for that will pave the way for much more. That is what I believe in and now that I know that those 4 children are my responsibility, there is no question of being lazy!
God I love them! The way they were running after the car, when we were leaving, made me feel sooo I don't know how to express the feeling!
I think things are clearing out and when I was confused, life has made me realize what my priorities are.
I read a piece of a fellow blogger and it made me think. He said that life was all about taking risks and pushing yourself to the maximum limit. The thing is that somethings make you want to push yourself to the limit and some just don't because at the end of it, they don't seem worth the effort.
The answer is before me my dear friends, dance and me myself as life or loving,giving and making a difference in people's life. After today's experience, I'd be blind not to understand what I really want. I guess you all know too what I choose.
I don't want to look at myself in the mirror all my life and JUST think about me. I want to be OUT THERE, among the people, with them, spreading happiness and knowledge. Life will be uncertain once again now, but I guess that is what life really is. UNCERTAINTY WITH CHANGING FACES.
But the difference is that now I know for sure what is worth the effort and what not.