Monday, May 4, 2009

CONFUSION


Life has yet again put me in a dilemma. I can't seem to make sense out of the present state of affairs.
I got selected for probation in the audition and day before yesterday was my first probation class. We had to dance straight for 5 hours and after that my body started protesting. I don't have a lot of stamina and even 2 hours of dancing can make my body ache like anything.
So,I went to the class with an open mind and told myself to simply enjoy it. But things began to change after the first few hours. I can't understand if I'm over reacting or I am just not open enough. The founder of our institution took the class and I must say that he is a fantastic choreographer. But what I couldn't digest was his over emphasis on sex and sexuality for becoming a great dancer. He made rows of students facing each other and one row had to walk sexy in front of the other row. I really can't understand how it adds to our potential as a dancer by just touching ourselves and pulling up our pants.
Am I being silly? Close minded? Perhaps. But I have danced from my heart and I don't feel that by doing such silly things one can actually become a beautiful dancer.
My mind is in turmoil and my heart is in pain. Is this it? Do I have to become somebody I don't want to become for loving dance so much? Do I have to compromise with my beliefs? If so, I doubt I will be able to go on with it for long. On top of that, the next day after class, I was supposed to go the NGO and teach the children and you know what, I didn't even have the strength to get up from bed. My muscles were tense and my body was protesting because it did more than it could handle. The whole day I walked like an old lady with my back bent as I couldn't even stand straight. Even that hurt.
What am I to do? Compromise on what I want to do in the NGO? What about the children? Do I have to leave them to devote more time to MYSELF and MYdance? Will it become all about me? Is that what I want? NO! That's the truth and I can't understand what to do now.
I hope this one year will show me how deep my love for dancing is. I have a feeling I will come to know even before the end of this year. Whatever it may be, I will rest assured that I did try my best and if things work out, fine and if they don't..then I was maybe never even meant for dance.
I hope this turmoil my soul is in doesn't last for long. I don't like my inner equilibrium being disturbed to such an extent.
I have to either open up more or simply leave.
I wonder what it is going to be....

7 comments:

epasen said...

Hey beautiful,
when you perform dance besides great movements people want to see feelings, you must know that. The only way give the feelings to audience is to believe in what you dance: if it's about love, you gotta love. If it's about anger, you have to hate. If it's about sex, well.. that's what you need to believe in. If the choreographer has a vision that you don't share, don't blame yourself. It's something that the choreographer has gone through in his own life.
I think that all sexy walk thingy sound silly.. but dancing is very close to acting, and if sexy walk is what you have to give, then try. But if it just doesn't feel right, don't. You can be true to your dancing only if you're true to yourself first.
God bless you honey,
Epasen

Deboshree said...

Thanks epasen for your advice.I needed it. I just felt soooo not sure about anything anymore.

Thanks love

Lover of Life said...

You are much further along than my daughter, when she danced. (Up to the point of toe shoes, and the doctor said no - never toe shoes. She was heartbroken.) But I don't remember her having to touch herself or the sex part of it. (Many of the "modern" dances weren't my favorites, though.) Of course, she was a young girl, maybe it wasn't appropriate for her age. But it really doesn't matter - if you feel it is wrong - then it is wrong for you. Maybe talk with your choreographer, for his/her perspective. And if you feel dance will take all of your time, you need to ask yourself if you are willing to give up the other things that make you happy. You will find your answer. Just be open to it when it comes. :-)

HorustheEye said...

I guess it all boils down to personal expression. Maybe your founder thinks sexiness is all about letting your body go and doing things you normally wouldn't do with your dance. Case in point being today's pop idols who shake and shimmy everything they've got. But to be honest if it goes against what you believe in then you need to learn how to make tough decisions despite the adverse outcomes. You might love dance and yet it pains you to leave what you love the most. Maybe there is a middle road for you? Maybe you don't need to do this probation and can continue dance anyway. The choice is yours of course sweetie. You do have to realize that at some point in life you have to make choices that seem largely life altering. Perhaps you feel you're not ready for it, but that is life - you're seldom ready for what it throws at you.
I guess we all face such things. But time and again we've got to sit down and ask ourselves certain questions. I guess your questions would be, "Do I want to be myself in my field or ape the countless others who've already set the trend?" Personally I feel that being sexy isn't something that embarrasses the person watching or the person performing. It's got to be on an even keel. Another question you might ask yourself is, "Am I ready to sacrifice xyz of my activity time/life/social service for abc amount of returns/gains that I will get through my dancing?" Maybe that should point you in the right direction.

May you find the right answers soon enough. God bless you and always be happy.

Deboshree said...

Thank you so much for your wonderful advice.I will do what my heart genuinely says.
Thanks a lot.

Candy said...

That is a really tough situation. I can definitely feel where you are coming from as far as the sexuality that your coach brings to the class. I mean it could be a form of teaching but not everyone is comfortable with that. Maybe learning to be comfortable with the sexual structure might make you more comfortable with dance moves? More graceful? Reading everyone else's comments I guess you all can relate to being dancers, i haven't ever done that kind of thing before. i love to dance but just like you I don't have stamina to keep up. Your strength in your writting sounds like you are doing really well though. I know my advice probably doesn't help well but if anything hopefully it gives you some comfort that even people who can't relate are reading and hoping the best for you.

Deboshree said...

Thanks candy.
You are right..everyone can relate to my situation.At some point,everyone faces a tough decision to make and thank you for your support.^_^